As some of you have seen, I developed a simple activity sheet with some suggested discussion questions as a supplement to my book Nusayba Knows Her Worth. I posed these questions to my Nusayba and I found her response to the first question to be eye-opening. The first question asks the child to consider who makes her feel important and what feelings she experiences when someone makes her feel valued.
Of course, I was surprised that Nusayba’s immediate response was that her cousins make her feel important—not her parents. I followed up with a question about what they do that makes her feel important, and she replied, “They play with me.” She said that makes her feel excited and happy. I thought about it and accepted that it makes sense that her peers play a significant role in her sense of self and worth.
Then, I asked her about whether her parents make her feel important and she replied in the affirmative. I asked her what we do to make her feel important and her response was not what I expected as a parent. She said, “Because you play with me too.” I fought the inclination to influence her response and ask more leading questions about whether her parents taking care of her needs plays any role in how important she feels. Instead, I decided to process what she revealed. And it was revealing.
As parents, it’s easy to think of your relationship with your child as the nurturer, the caretaker, the provider, the teacher, and the protector. Those are all ways we express our love for our kids, but to them, the time we take out to play with them is what stands out and reassures them that we value them. According to UNICEF, playing with your child helps build their confidence because when you take time to play with them, your child is “learning that they are valued and fun to be around.” That was exactly what Nusayba expressed about how her cousins make her feel.
I read a Psychology Today article, titled, Play and the Child’s Sense of Self, and found this excerpt particularly insightful:
“In play, the child creates a world into which she puts her thoughts, her imaginings and her feelings. The world she creates in free form is literally made out of herself, spun out of her own subjectivity. This created world, in turn, gives the child a sense of her self as an active, creative being. The child is the ruler of her tiny kingdom, and in it she feels deliciously free and alive.”
It hit me that, at her age, play is her way of sharing her whole self with us, so when we say we are too busy to play, it makes her feel undervalued and rejected. Our short exchange this morning forced me to become more self-aware about how I respond to her requests for my time and participation in her games.
As I was working on something time-sensitive this morning, she came to me with a plate of desserts (toys) to share. I first responded that I didn’t have time to play. Immediately, I realized what I’d done and corrected my language. I said, “I really want to play with you, but right now I have to work. We’ll play later.”
I did not anticipate having such a paradigm-shifting discussion this fine Monday. I’d love to hear from some of you on how your kids respond to question one and whether their responses are in line with your expectations.
Golden Butterfly Books 